In light of tonight’s BCS leftover bowl, I thought it would be appropriate to release my personal solution to the BCS bonanza that has engulfed college football’s postseason. If President Obama’s goal is to overhaul health care, mine is to overhaul the national championship. And when I say overhaul, I mean it. I will leave few details behind.
What I propose seems preposterous, and in all reality, it probably is. However, it would be an injustice for me not to share my views. What is the answer? A 65 team March Madness style tournament. Too many games for such a grueling sport? Try not enough. Here is how it works.
At the end of a full football season, we take the top 65 teams in the newly expanded BCS computer rankings. We seed them from 1-16 according to their finish. Then, the fun begins.
Each team will be represented by its nickname/mascot in its wildest, most native form. The team’s “mascots” will duel in a no holds bar fight. Why play the season, then? Because your ranking gives you home field advantage. The higher ranked “mascot” will hold the duel in its natural habitat.
Point of clarification: By duel I’m not talking early 19th century. This isn’t Aaron Burr vs. Alexander Hamilton. This is wilder. This is better.
The matches will be structured similar to boxing. Fifteen rounds at three minutes per round. All games will air on the Discovery Channel or Animal Planet. They will be announced by the glorious combination of Gus Johnson and James Earl Jones. The sideline reporter will be Mike Rowe who will be wearing his generic, logo-less hat from the Ford commercials. Ed Hochulee and Tim Donaghy will officiate every bout. There will be a seven person panel of judges in the event of a 15-round match. The judges will be as follows:
-Mike Tyson
-Tonya Harding
-Bruce Lee
-Sylvester Stallone
-Ron Artest
-LeGarrette Blount
-Chris Brown
The alternate judge will be Charlie Sheen, who will end up judging since Bruce Lee is dead.
Michael Vick will be the BCS president (his advice would make for an easy transition into the animal competition industry). Billy Joel will play every halftime show--drunk. Kelly Clarkson will scream a National Anthem Remix before every match that features T-Pain repeating the words she sings, and Lil Wayne doing whatever he wants--whenever he wants. It will also technically feature Lil Jon, but he will actually just be yelling “hey” the entire time. The cast of The View will do pre and post game shows, so no one will watch them. The only ads that will air through the entire game will be Allstate’s commercials that feature their token reassuring black man, Dennis Haysbert. And all duels hosted by Texas Tech’s Red Raider will be in a solitary electrical closet.
That is my vision. That is my dream. That is and will always be no one's reality.
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