How the United States is a lock to win the World Cup (of Food)

I selected one of the most popular edible dishes, drinks, or ingredients from each World Cup nation and simulated a World Cup (of Food).


Group A


South Africa-Potjiekos- a meat and vegetable stew
Mexico-tacos (corn tortillas)
Uruguay-dulce de leche- thick fruit paste
France-wine


Results: France advances with bourgeois booze. Mexico shells through bottom half of bracket with traditional taco.


Group B


South Korea-Rice (cakes)
Argentina-red meat
Nigeria-Suya (meat kabob)
Greece-gyros


Results: 'Greece'y gyros guide Greeks to the top. Nigeria rides carnival wave into the round of 16 with beef on a stick.


Group C


Slovenia-dandelion
United States-everything
England-tea
Algeria- pita bread


Results: Doing what it does best, the U.S. eats through the early competition. England and Algeria finish in a tie, but England politely insists Algeria move on.


Group D


Germany-beer
Ghana-fried plantains
Serbia-baklava (sweet pastry)
Australia- meat pie


Results: Beer may be the biggest moneymaker in collegiate competition. Germany bongs Group D. Serbia squeaks through with Backlava.


Group E


Netherlands-cheese
Japan-sushi
Cameroon-ndole (nut, goat meat, and leaf stew)
Denmark-danishes


Results: 'Aged' Netherlands squad takes the group with cheese. Japan plays the trendy card to advance with sushi.


Group F


Paraguay-coffee
Italy-pizza
New Zealand-pavlova (meringue cake)
Slovakia-kielbasa


Results: Everyone likes pizza, and there is nothing like watching Slovak's eat their kielbasa. Italy and Slovakia move on.


Group G


Brazil-exotic fruits
Ivory Coast-aloko (banana in palm oil)
Portugal-rice pudding
North Korea-we aren't really allowed to know, and we may not want to.


Results: The group of death upholds its name with questionable dishes. Brazil and Ivory Coast advance. Kim Jong Il tells his people they beat everyone.


Group H


Spain-potato omelette
Switzerland-chocolate
Honduras- carne asada (roasted beef)
Chile-sea bass


Results: Chocolate drowns Chilean sea bass while Spain's 'patatas' surprise the field and advance.




Group of 16:


France (wine) vs. Nigeria (beef on stick): Carnival style beef stick no match for Classy Wine. France wins.


US (name a food) vs. Serbia (baklava): Om nom nom. United States goes through.


Netherlands (cheese) vs. Slovakia (kielbasa): Have you ever been to a Slovakian festival? Just add kraut, and it's an instant win. Slovaks move on.


Brazil (exotic fruit) vs. Spain (potatoe omelettes): This would be a great soccer match. It's an iffy food match. Spain lives on.


Greece (gyros) vs. Mexico (tacos): $2 meal deal? Charles Barkley? Yea, Taco Bell gets Mexico a win.


Germany (beer) vs. Algeria (pita bread): Is this a joke? Chug on Germans.


Italy (pizza) vs. Japan (sushi): Pizza is too good. Closer than you think, but Italy prevails.


Switzerland (Chocolate) vs. Ivory Coast (banana in palm oil): Remember when I said pizza was too good? Try chocolate. Swiss aren't neutral on this one.


Round of Eight


France (wine) vs. United States (insert edible entity): U.S. does what it does best--eat. France does what it does best--lose.


Slovakia (kielbasa) vs. Spain (patatas): Cinderella story of the tournament. There is something about those Slovaks!


Mexico (tacos) vs. Germany (beer): Both can serve as poor life decisions. Tacos take the fall. Germany to the Final Four.


Italy (pizza) vs. Switzerland (Chocolate): Pizza adapts better from region to region. Barely, Italy wins.


Final Four


United States (Jillian Michaels can't save us all) vs. Slovakia (Kielbasa): Americans eat all the kielbasa before judgement is made. Land of Liberty to the finals.


Italy (pizzza) vs. Germany (beer): Ahhh. Isn't this a fitting pair? Pizza can't get you drunk. Germany takes it.


FINALS


GERMANY (Beer) vs. United States (the belt busters): The United States simply takes Germany's beer. U.S. wins the World Cup (of Food)!

Finding the 'reality' in Reality TV: The Bachelorette

I am still trying to gather why but I just spent the past two hours of my god forsaken life watching The Bachelorette on ABC. For those of you who don't know what the show entails this is the best I can give you off the top of my head (quote me on this one):

The Bachelorette is a nauseating tale of several men in love with the same beautifully naive woman that obliterates most conventional (and often times realistic) portrayals of the mystery, majesty, and steadfast intimacy of a romantic partnership.

There is something unsettling about a dozen masculine looking men tossing testosterone aside and engaging in competitive compassion. Don't get me wrong this would be great, if it were real. Just as unsettling might be the fact that the show's resident strong, independent and beautiful star is vulnerable enough to be seen kissing multiple men in one evening. Perhaps the most sickening aspect of the program to the socially destitute viewer (i.e. me) is the absurdity of the dates the men go on with the "bachelorette."

During the two hour special, here are some of the things you could find the men doing:

-leisurely pacing the streets of New York City

-sipping on champagne in their ridiculous NYC suite

-physically acting in an actual Broadway production of The Lion King

-Eating at a closed down high class NYC club and dancing to live music from Joshua Radin

During the two hour special, here are some of the things you could find me doing:

-mindlessly gnawing on pretzels

-wiping off my used coffee pot

-itching the back of my calf

-watching people act in musicals, sip champagne, and dance to live music from a top class musician

Say what you want about reality TV, but tonight it gave me a rude awakening--one that had "reality" written all over it.

Opening Weekend of my summer in White Plains, NY: Bathroom Breakdown

At 6:10 a.m on Saturday, my parents and I set off on an eight hour trip (without stops) to White Plains, NY to move me in for the summer. Here are some astute observations/thoughts from the opening weekend of my summer.

BATHROOMS

Ah, the porcelain palace. On a trip of such length, encounters with the realm of relief are inevitable. But in my situation it was impregnable. You don't just spend nineteen straight summers in Ohio then not get a little anxious about leaving. You don't just attend two years of college in rural Southeast Ohio then not expect a little culture shock on the East Coast. And most importantly, you don't go three years battling Irritable Bowel Syndrome and not expect to go to the bathroom.

At home the bathroom is a safe zone. It is comforting. Strategically placed candles and periodic potpourri exude homey fragrances. Hygienically reassuring sinks linger within an arms length. Towels, floor mats, and fans are engrained in our day-to-day restroom routine. On the road, however, such amenities are rather scarce.

Here is a breakdown of the weekends vaunting vinyl voyages.

Goasis Ashland, Ohio: Well, this was a solid four and a half minutes into the trip. It was also 6:15 a.m. so I was already reevaluating my life. The facility was impressive as it showed no signs of messy overnight visits. I also surveyed the family restroom to get a comprehensive idea of the accommodations. It contained a toilet that was somewhere in between a portable training toilet and a "big boy" john. It was short enough that I could trip over it. I entertained the thought of using it, but my accuracy is already dreadful before 9 a.m. My emotions jolted back and forth between endeared and betrayed. I felt slighted by society because I remember the post-training adjustment struggle. The stage where a kid could more easily spit into a urinal than pee is a challenging one, and I was denied the opportunity to ever use a family friendly facility.

Grade: A-.

McDonald's Ravenna, Ohio: If going to the bathroom were a competition, this one would be my home arena. Conveniently located at the junction of I-76 and Route 5 in Northeast Ohio, it epitomizes the saying "location, location, location." Because I spent much of my childhood traveling both of these roads to visit family, I have been a regular at this bathroom. I'm on a first name basis with the toilet paper dispensers. The sinks practically turn on for me. As far as quality of the facility, the bathroom offers everything you would expect from a McDonald's bathroom. So, it doesn't offer much.

Grade: B+. It holds a special place in my heart.

McDonalds Somewhere in Central Pennsylvania: Maybe I am just partial to the Ravenna one, but this was poorly mopped. I prefer the floors of my fast food bathrooms to be moist from the last mopping at all times. These floors were drier than George W. Bush's refrigerator. The rest was stellar. It had one hell of a firm "pull" handle on the inside of the bathroom door. It was the kind of door handle that cemented the legacy of your visit to the bathroom. It was the kind that gave you closure. It was the kind that reminded you that you came with a goal and, by all means, you left without one.

Grade: B-. Not impressed.

Exxon Mobil in Eastern PA: This was a disaster. After "holding it" for a record eighteen exits, I urged my dad to pull over here. It was at this Exxon that I discovered the biggest crisis in Exxon's rich and innovative crisis history, their east Pennsylvania bathroom. Dead insects? Check. Torn up walls? You bet. A lingering, putrid scent? Sure. Toilet paper? Not a chance. I was a dead man. Stranded in the stall. I felt like a toilet. I was like Tom Hanks in Castaway. I started talking to the plunger. I named it "Barry." And that was only 30 seconds in. After five patient minutes, I was rescued by my dad. He was my knight in Docker's armor, overcoming the perils of the bathroom door to haplessly toss a roll of government toilet paper over the stall door.

Also, just to kick me while I was down, there was no soap. So, I spent the next 70 miles trying not to touch anything.

Grade: F. This is as bad as it gets.

Dunkin Donuts in NJ: They had soap, and now that soap is a luxury I am giving them an "A."

Grade: A++

Crown Royal White Plains room 1203: Hotel bathrooms are glorious. I found myself using every travel sized bottle of everything. I did so ravenously. For all I know, I could have been moisturizing my hair in the shower or lathering myself in shaving scream. But hey, "it's all deadly."

Grade: A. Coffee maker in bathroom? That'll work.

Outback Steakhouse White Plains: The Outback Steakhouse bathroom dilemma is an interesting one. In an attempt to be creative and parallel their Australian theme, they name their bathrooms in a way that Americans (their customers) may have considerable trouble discerning. Men are supposed to go in the room entitled "Blokes," and women are intended to enter the one that says "Sheilas." Watching people stutter step, frantically whip their head from door to door, and even seek help from restaurant employees makes the whole visit worth it.

Grade: B for entertainment.

Gannat Dorm Hall (Pace University): I clogged a toilet in here within three minutes of being officially on my own in New York, and quite frankly I am headed there again right now...

Grade: C. I feel bad.