How the United States is a lock to win the World Cup (of Food)

I selected one of the most popular edible dishes, drinks, or ingredients from each World Cup nation and simulated a World Cup (of Food).


Group A


South Africa-Potjiekos- a meat and vegetable stew
Mexico-tacos (corn tortillas)
Uruguay-dulce de leche- thick fruit paste
France-wine


Results: France advances with bourgeois booze. Mexico shells through bottom half of bracket with traditional taco.


Group B


South Korea-Rice (cakes)
Argentina-red meat
Nigeria-Suya (meat kabob)
Greece-gyros


Results: 'Greece'y gyros guide Greeks to the top. Nigeria rides carnival wave into the round of 16 with beef on a stick.


Group C


Slovenia-dandelion
United States-everything
England-tea
Algeria- pita bread


Results: Doing what it does best, the U.S. eats through the early competition. England and Algeria finish in a tie, but England politely insists Algeria move on.


Group D


Germany-beer
Ghana-fried plantains
Serbia-baklava (sweet pastry)
Australia- meat pie


Results: Beer may be the biggest moneymaker in collegiate competition. Germany bongs Group D. Serbia squeaks through with Backlava.


Group E


Netherlands-cheese
Japan-sushi
Cameroon-ndole (nut, goat meat, and leaf stew)
Denmark-danishes


Results: 'Aged' Netherlands squad takes the group with cheese. Japan plays the trendy card to advance with sushi.


Group F


Paraguay-coffee
Italy-pizza
New Zealand-pavlova (meringue cake)
Slovakia-kielbasa


Results: Everyone likes pizza, and there is nothing like watching Slovak's eat their kielbasa. Italy and Slovakia move on.


Group G


Brazil-exotic fruits
Ivory Coast-aloko (banana in palm oil)
Portugal-rice pudding
North Korea-we aren't really allowed to know, and we may not want to.


Results: The group of death upholds its name with questionable dishes. Brazil and Ivory Coast advance. Kim Jong Il tells his people they beat everyone.


Group H


Spain-potato omelette
Switzerland-chocolate
Honduras- carne asada (roasted beef)
Chile-sea bass


Results: Chocolate drowns Chilean sea bass while Spain's 'patatas' surprise the field and advance.




Group of 16:


France (wine) vs. Nigeria (beef on stick): Carnival style beef stick no match for Classy Wine. France wins.


US (name a food) vs. Serbia (baklava): Om nom nom. United States goes through.


Netherlands (cheese) vs. Slovakia (kielbasa): Have you ever been to a Slovakian festival? Just add kraut, and it's an instant win. Slovaks move on.


Brazil (exotic fruit) vs. Spain (potatoe omelettes): This would be a great soccer match. It's an iffy food match. Spain lives on.


Greece (gyros) vs. Mexico (tacos): $2 meal deal? Charles Barkley? Yea, Taco Bell gets Mexico a win.


Germany (beer) vs. Algeria (pita bread): Is this a joke? Chug on Germans.


Italy (pizza) vs. Japan (sushi): Pizza is too good. Closer than you think, but Italy prevails.


Switzerland (Chocolate) vs. Ivory Coast (banana in palm oil): Remember when I said pizza was too good? Try chocolate. Swiss aren't neutral on this one.


Round of Eight


France (wine) vs. United States (insert edible entity): U.S. does what it does best--eat. France does what it does best--lose.


Slovakia (kielbasa) vs. Spain (patatas): Cinderella story of the tournament. There is something about those Slovaks!


Mexico (tacos) vs. Germany (beer): Both can serve as poor life decisions. Tacos take the fall. Germany to the Final Four.


Italy (pizza) vs. Switzerland (Chocolate): Pizza adapts better from region to region. Barely, Italy wins.


Final Four


United States (Jillian Michaels can't save us all) vs. Slovakia (Kielbasa): Americans eat all the kielbasa before judgement is made. Land of Liberty to the finals.


Italy (pizzza) vs. Germany (beer): Ahhh. Isn't this a fitting pair? Pizza can't get you drunk. Germany takes it.


FINALS


GERMANY (Beer) vs. United States (the belt busters): The United States simply takes Germany's beer. U.S. wins the World Cup (of Food)!