Was it worth it, Osama?

On the anniversary of September 11, I decided to write a cordial letter to Osama Bin Laden. 

Dear Osama Bin Laden,

Was it really worth it? Eight years ago you and your jackass jihads decided to spark an al-Qaeda uprising by hijacking commercial planes and attacking the World Trade Center buildings. That really worked out for you didn't it, chief? 

You didn't think that a nation built from principles like resilience and independence, a nation built by some of the classiest, most dynamic individuals to ever walk this earth could overcome your amateur antics? 

Not only did we overcome, but we shoved your perspective "holy war" with America up your cave-dwelling and rarely wiped behind. Instead of your envisioned glorious rise to international power, you find yourself scrambling around the musty mounds of the Middle East wondering if you are going to live to see the next day. This might be a complex concept for you, but I have a suggestion for you. Next time you want to dismantle, or even scathe, an international superpower, try industrializing first. You know, developing a stable economy, a global reputation, and militaristic competence. That might just be a helpful tidbit coming from a citizen of a nation that got that out of the way a couple centuries ago. But hey, Western civilization is clueless, right? 

As for you, I just wanted to check up on you. I mean it must be nice living the dream over there in the homeland. I mean you're probably hairier than an alpaca on Rogaine and about as clean as a domestic hog at a county fair. Not that you would know what any of that is since you sit on your gradually decaying ass all day and stare at rock formations. 

Oh and as for the above picture, that's your buddy Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, you know one of the dudes that helped you pull this whole thing off. Yeah, we found him about five and a half years ago. I thought you'd like to see a photo of him. He always was a looker! I mean naturally the cave life will wear on him a little, so don't be too discouraged by the ruffled mustache, the mane of chest hair, and the seven chins he has. 

Also, just so you know, if you are ever in America, we have some great salons and killer (haha, oh the irony) clean public water that you could use to groom up a bit. Oh wait! Everyone in America hates you! Better luck next time, buddy!

In closing, I wanted to address another issue that has arose in the past eight years. I have heard there is a possibility that you are dead. If that is the case, it's probably for the best big guy :).

Love (because that's what we do to our enemies here),

Robert N. Guliano